For the New Year

The last year and a half was a whole new kind of thing in life. I have my baby now, but holy cow did it take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears!

First there was a miscarriage as we began trying to make a baby. The overwhelming joy of finding out I was pregnant turned into heart-wrenching grief just a few days later.

Then, just a couple months later, there was a successful pregnancy that quickly turned into constant nausea that had me sitting on the bathroom floor crying most days.

Then the nausea subsided and was replaced with pain in my feet, my hips, and my back, making it hard for me to comfortably walk or sleep or sit or stand.

Then my 40 weeks of pregnancy stretched into 42 weeks with a finale of almost 50 hours of labor to try to deliver a 10.5 pound baby. After that much laboring, most of it with no drugs, I ended up having a cesarean which was painful enough that I asked the hospital to keep me an extra day when they tried to discharge me because I wasn't sure I'd be able to walk up the stairs to our apartment.

Five months later, I'm still wearing yoga pants, sweatpants, and maternity pants every day. My body still isn't comfortable yet; it's like I'm wearing someone else's body, and I feel a little surprised every time I see myself in the mirror.

So, the last year and a half, I haven't been very happy with the function or feeling of my body, and I'm ready to turn a new leaf.

My New Year's resolution is to do things that make my body feel good and loved and beautiful.

I'll start by reminding myself each day that my body is wonderful just the way it is, with the massive amount of stretch marks on my belly, the cesarean incision across my abdomen, and all the extra weight I'm still carrying. All of this is okay because without it I wouldn't have my baby.

Then I'll make it a priority to do loving things for my body like going for gentle walks so I can breath in the fresh air, taking hot baths so I can relax all the way for just a little while, and spending a few moments here and there stretching and breathing so my body can feel alive and refreshed in the midst of the busyness of raising a baby.

I'm also going to stop pressuring myself to fit into pre-pregnancy clothes because the truth is sometimes there is no such thing as going back to a pre-pregnancy body. I don't have to be upset or mad about that, and I certainly don't need to criticize or punish myself for that. The body I have right now deserves some clothes that fit comfortably and look nice.

The last year and a half, my body has done some crazy, hard, superhuman things. This year, I want to thank it and love it and cherish it.