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| Skinny Kate |
I guess right now I just feel like I’m failing at everything. One of the things that I feel is my biggest failure is my weight. I have been continuously gaining weight for the last five years. Yes, I started out really small, so I’m not morbidly obese, yet. But because I keep gaining weight, I keep needing new clothes that actually fit. Except that every time I go out to buy new clothes, I feel intensely guilty for wanting new clothes and for being too materialistic and caring about how I look. And that’s all a load of crap. I shouldn’t have to feel like that because I’m not materialistic; I simply want to wear clothes that fit me.
But I do feel like that, so I only let myself try on clothes that are used or on the clearance rack or at least less than ten dollars, because anything more than that would be a frivolous waste of my money. Except that because I don’t have a job, then it’s not my money; it’s my husband’s money. And he hates that I keep buying new clothes, so I try to tell him that I can’t help it because I keep gaining weight. He doesn’t say it, but he must be thinking, “So stop gaining weight!”
Sometimes I figure if I don’t buy myself new clothes that fit, then it will be a bigger motivation to lose weight so I can fit into my clothes again. But that just makes me feel ugly, which makes me depressed, which makes it very hard to eat healthy amounts of food. So that doesn’t work.
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| Not so skinny Kate |
Then I tell myself that it will be much easier to have a healthy body if I work on convincing myself to love my body just the way it is because then I would be less stressed, and less stress makes weight loss much easier. So at that point, I go ahead and buy clothes that are a little bigger and actually fit so that I can feel comfortable and attractive. The problem with that plan is that even if I love my body, it doesn’t do anything to stop the weight gain. So I still gain weight and my clothes still get too small and I still have to go shopping again to buy new clothes.
This week, I decided that I do need to actively try to lose weight or to at least stop the weight gain. Since I don’t have a job right now, I should have plenty of time to exercise and think about what I’m eating. So the last couple of days, I got quite a bit of good exercise, and I’ve been trying to eat smaller portions and less carbs. Great… except that anytime that I eat less food or less carbs, my body freaks out. More specifically my hormones and chemistry freak out.
So all day today, I have been depressed and crying, sitting on my ass not wanting to do anything because I am depressed because I exercised and ate healthier than usual for two days. And when I’m depressed I majorly crave carbs covered with melted cheese. And I know, without a doubt, that I could instantly become un-depressed if I simply went down to a taco place and got a few items filled with white flour and cheese and saucy stuff. That would fix the problem, guaranteed.
But then, also guaranteed, I would feel like a disgusting slob for eating that crap when I am supposed to be working on losing weight. I would feel intensely guilty for eating to try to get rid of my depression which was caused by trying to diet so that I could lose weight so that I wouldn’t have to keep feeling guilty about buying new clothes every time I go up a size.
So today I feel like there’s no way for me to win. I’m not making any money right now; I feel fat and unattractive; I can’t find any clothes that fit that are used or really cheap; I’ve been crying off and on all day; and I really just want to stuff my face to make it all go away. But I can’t because then I would have to hate myself.
Has anyone else had a day like this before? It’s normal, right?
