Making plans for the future doesn't seem to do me much good. I can dream and hope, search and strategize, lay out a step-by-step plan, but in the end, more often than not, I still end up someplace completely unexpected.
Is it like this for everyone? Don't some people make goals and then achieve them? Don't some people plot out a course for their life and then follow it?
I just don't even know how to feel about it. Sometimes I find myself grieving for the things in life I thought I should have and feel like I've lost, for all the things I sought out and never found. I grieve and ask myself why, wishing it could be different, not because what I do have is wrong, but because I thought everything was going to be different.
And then other times, I delight in the fact that I seemingly have no control over the course of my own life. I rejoice in following this path because I believe I can trust in it, because I have the sense that this path leads me to wherever it is I'm really supposed to be.
And over and over again, my prayer is simply for patience. I can't bring myself to pray that what I want is what I will get because I know I'm not wise enough to want what I need. But I pray that I can faithfully follow the path that has been laid out before my feet, with patience.
So I'm here in this place, and it's not a bad place, but I feel stuck or stagnant, at a stand-still. And I just want to find some way to move forward, not in a few years, but right now. So I stop again and pray for another dose of patience because no matter how much I plan and scheme to try to make something happen, I still can't control the path.
