Right now, my brain feels like mush. I've been so emotional this last week, so up and down, excited and depressed and anxious and happy. All of the sudden, I started getting calls left and right for job interviews. It had been a month since my last interview, so this was really exciting. But then, at the same time, I realized it felt really scary.
I knew I was coming upon yet another time of transition, but now it's so much closer. With multiple job interviews within just two weeks of each other, the chances that I get offered a job are increasing significantly. When I get offered a job, then we'll decide whether we're moving to Salem or staying in Albany. When I get offered a job, then I'll know whether I'm working part-time or full-time, whether we'll have health insurance or be uninsured, whether Craig will still need to work as much as possible to pay bills or whether he can concentrate more on school.
And I'm just not good at waiting to see what will be. I get myself so wound up, so excited and anxious at the same time. I keep finding myself changing my mind about what I want or what we need or what will work best for us right now. Because really, I just don't know. And I do keep praying and reminding myself to trust that whatever position I'm supposed to have is the one I will get. But that trust fades so fast! And then I have to remind myself again that I'm not controlling any of this, that I can't predict the result in any way, and that there's no point in getting myself all tied up in knots worrying about it.
But alas, I am tied up in knots. My brain doesn't want me to do anything but wait for the phone to ring so someone can offer me a job. I try to focus on getting things done, being active, planning my day, but I can't focus for long enough to get much done. So mostly I'm just sitting and waiting and worrying and hoping.
I feel like I have no energy because I'm letting myself be so stressed, letting myself worry. I keep crying over things I don't usually cry about; I keep getting stomach aches and indigestion no matter what I eat.
Why do I let myself get so crazy over things like this? Why does it have to involve so much emotional turmoil? Will I ever learn the art of letting life be as it is without wishing I could control every second of it?
