Let's be honest: I just wanted to be beautiful again.

Lately, I’ve been basking in the satisfaction of looking good. I’ve been thinking a lot about what people see when they look at me. I’ve caught myself hoping that other people notice how good I look. My arrogance and vanity have increased in leaps and bounds in just a few short months.

This is what I get for losing weight. As a slightly chubbier woman, I worked so hard to convince myself that the size of my body didn’t matter. My extra body fat didn’t have anything to do with my value as a woman. I needed to believe that I was beautiful and successful and accomplished just the way I was. I didn’t want to hate my image in the mirror; I didn’t want to berate myself for not being thin, for not being perfect. I hate it when I hear women talk about how much they want to lose weight and how they really shouldn’t be eating this or that.

I hate diet talk because I think women should love themselves for all the amazing qualities they have instead of just hating the way their bodies look. But I’m such a hypocrite, because as soon as I started losing weight, I let out a huge sigh of relief that I wasn’t going to have to be a fat person my whole life. I told myself over and over again that being overweight didn’t diminish my value as a person in any way, but I only really believed that grudgingly and halfheartedly so I didn’t have to feel miserable. 

I have always insisted that my focus is on my health. It’s important to be healthy, and if that leads to weight loss then that’s great; but focus on health first. But maybe that was all a load of crap, because now that I’ve lost the weight, I can be honest with myself that it’s great to feel healthy, but it would have really pissed me off if I hadn’t lost a pound.  Before I knew whether I would lose any weight, I told myself I didn’t care if I lost a single pound as long as I was healthier and stronger and had more energy. Bull-shit. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to feel beautiful again. 

And now I’m angry at myself because I want to be the person who does believe that everyone is beautiful and amazing and valuable. I want to be a woman who can genuinely love and value myself no matter what my size or shape is. I truly believe that a woman shouldn’t feel pressured to be a certain size or look a certain way. So why do I have such conflicting thoughts in my own mind? Why am I so relieved to be thin again? Why was it so important to me to lose weight?

I’ll admit this bluntly; the way I look right now makes me feel powerful and sexy. I want people’s heads to turn as I walk by. I want other women to be jealous of how I look. I want men drooling over me and being disappointed that I’m not available. I want all of these things at the same time that I despise them. I know it’s all a lie, but I can’t find a way to truly break free of it. My value is not found in my physical beauty, but somehow I can’t completely convince myself of that.

It’s a tragedy, and it just doesn’t make any sense. I’ve known a fourth grade girl who was already trying to starve herself so she could be skinny enough—that’s a nine-year-old we’re talking about. And I’ve known middle school girls who were trying so hard to look like adult women at the age of twelve or thirteen, embracing their sexuality at a time in their lives when they should have still been children. 

And there are so many children and teenagers and grown women who spend so much money and energy and time and sweat and tears trying to look different than they do. It doesn’t seem to matter how much natural beauty a woman is born with; we all want to look different. For some reason, we think it will make our lives better. We think it will make us happier to not look like ourselves. Why are we all so eager to believe this tragic lie? And even when we know it’s bullshit, why can’t we break free from it?

This is the truth that I will continue to fight for and tell myself over and over again.

I am a beautiful woman worthy of admiration and love because…

I have an awesome brain and I use it.

I am compassionate and kind and thoughtful.

I am curious and passionate about what’s happening in the world around me.

I have a great sense of humor whether you get it or not.

I love talking about geeky things like science and health and religion.

I don’t give a crap about fashion or makeup or celebrities.

I am not like any other woman that you have ever met, and I will never change to try to be like someone else.

The size and shape of my butt or my boobs or even my nose doesn’t have anything to do with my value as a human being.