The other day, I told a lie to a new acquaintance in a class at massage school. Kind of. It wasn't really a lie, but it kind of was. And I've been trying to decide why I answered her questions the way I did.
My classmate was feeling uncomfortable in class because of the spiritual aspects of Eastern massage that our teacher was sharing with us as part of our training. She told me she didn't like that part of the class because she is a Christian, and she asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. She asked me if I believed in Jesus. I said yes. She asked me if I went to church, and I said no.
But the real truth is that I'm not a Christian, at least not by the definition that most people use. But I'm also not a non-Christian. I'm not an athiest; I'm not an anti-Christian. Apparently I look like a Christian. That's what my classmate told me. She said, "I thought so. You look like a Christian."
What does a Christian look like? If I was a full-on atheist, would I look different? Because I grew up as a Christian, will I always look like a Christian no matter what I actually believe?
When she asked me if I believed in Jesus, I said yes because I do. Except that I know that when she asked that simple question, she was really asking, "Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God who died on the cross to save us from our sins so we can live eternally in Heaven after we die?" And my honest answer would have been no. I believe in the things that Jesus taught... but I don't believe he taught that.
So I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the truth either. And I've been thinking a lot about that because telling the truth is really important to me. Why didn't I just tell her the truth?
It would have taken too long. She wasn't looking for a long in-depth conversation about theology or spirituality. She simply wanted to see if I was her ally, if I was on her side and would sympathize with her discomfort. If I had given her a short answer that was the opposite, that would have been untrue as well.
I can't really give short answers that are all the way true because I'm in this weird middle place that is very grey. But I've noticed that when people want to talk about God, religion, spirituality, theology they really like to keep things black and white. Neat and tidy. Clean and clear-cut. People who aren't living a black and white spirituality are wishy-washy. And I've heard that wishy-washy Christians are some of the worst kinds.
The truth is, I'm scared of Christians. Not all of them, just the conservative, evangelical variety. I'm scared of telling them I'm not a Christian or telling them I don't believe in Jesus as my personal Savior or saying something crazy about how there isn't any such thing as heaven and hell. I'll tell almost anyone I know what I think about these things, but put me face-to-face with a person who's a good conservative Christian, and I clam up right away, apparently. You see, I used to be one of them, so I know how they're supposed to react to people like me. I know that if they really are living for Jesus, as soon as they find out I'm not saved, they'll get right on that. They'll figure out how to start evangelizing me, they may ask me to church, or, if they're shy, they may just look at me with pity in their eyes because I'm going to burn in hell. And then they'll make a mental note to pray for me.
And I don't want to be treated like that. I don't want to be treated like a non-Christian by other Christians, so it's hard for me to tell them the real truth. Even when I was a tried-and-true Christian, I found other Christians who still couldn't resist evangelizing me if they found even the smallest detail of my personal theology to be amiss.
I'm scared of being treated like a non-Christian instead of being treated like a person. I'm scared of being treated like a sinner or someone who is lost and needs direction or someone who is making poor life decisions. I'm scared of being diminished and reduced and cut down to nothing but a label. I just want people to treat me like a person. I want people to appreciate my mind and my soul and my heart regardless of whether I have the right answers to their questions. I want to be honest about who I am and have that be okay.
I'm scared that if I give an honest answer that someone doesn't like, that person will stop listening to anything else I have to say. So sometimes I tell little lies. Maybe someday I will have more courage.
