I've been discovering things. Sometimes I discover things about how I do my life that I don't necessarily appreciate or take pride in. I realized this last week, that I am a wimp.

I always think of myself as a strong, independent woman. I'm stubborn and willful, so I pretend that those qualities make me strong. But I find over and over again in my life that when I run into a situation that feels precarious, I almost always attempt to run away and hide, rather than face and overcome the situation.

I'm not saying that I run away from every hard thing that comes up in life. I will always be committed to my marriage no matter what happens. There are some things that are too important to even consider the possibility of running away.

But I get so scared of the mere possibility of failing, the idea that maybe I won't be successful, I'll make a fool of myself, I'll be criticized for being less than capable. These things I cannot handle. So I freaked out about my job last week. It got really busy, and there are still so many things for me to learn. And I just felt like I couldn't do anything; my brain got all mushy, and I felt confused by everything that crossed my desk. And I just wanted to run away.

I did work through it; I'm still there. But it was a big wake-up call to realize how extreme my fear of failure is, how easily I can allow myself to crack under pressure. I felt like a wimp, and I felt ashamed of how quickly I was willing to wimp out. 

Grow, grow, grow. I want to grow-- into my womanhood, into my maturity, into wisdom. God give me the strength and the courage.