Being here, being now...

Why is it that the human mind constantly wanders away from the present, from the current moment into the near future, far future, possible future. It's so hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, to stay present, to be here.

Instead, I look at my place in life right now and wish for something different. When I live in an apartment, I wish for a house. When I live only with my husband, I wish for children. When I work in a school, I wish to go back to school. When I have spare time to be quiet, I look for more ways to fill my time. I’m not good at being quiet anymore. I’m not good at being by myself anymore. I’m not good at committing, at practicing, at being devoted to whatever is going on in my life.

I want to be more present, more centered on what is here and now. But I’m scared—I’m scared of being by myself; I’m scared of my thoughts; I’m scared of my weaknesses; I’m scared of my true emotions. How do I sit down and make it happen? How do I find a way to love being with myself? What are the distractions for, really? What do they do for me? They empty me, dull my mind, my thoughts, cover up the other noises in my head and in my heart. What am I missing in the midst of my television shows and internet surfing and dance music? What am I trying to miss? What will happen if I stop, if I just let myself see what is really going on, let it all out, let go? What happens?

And then what does a modern day person do with their time if they are not surfing the web, watching TV and listening to noise of some kind hours upon hours every day? How do I spend that time? How do I not spend that time, but rather just soak in that time? I don’t even know where to start. I think I used to. It didn’t always feel like this. I think I knew what to do with the silence, with the space, with the extra moments that stretch into extra hours. I faintly remember it feeling right, feeling peaceful, feeling comfortable. But now it just feels frightening. I’m frightened, but I want to be alive, more alive than I’m letting myself be right now. I want to be whole, balanced, well, content and at peace. Where is this place I’m searching for? Will I find it if I search my heart? Will I find it in stillness, in meditation, in contemplation? Will I find it within myself to love myself and love being myself?