Thanksgiving

It's November. And all my facebook buddies are going to start sharing one thing every day that they are thankful for in celebration of Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for things, too. But there might be some days in November when I feel snarky or flabbergasted, and then I may forget to tell everyone that I'm thankful. Or I might get sick. Or I might be busy with homework. Or I may take a whole day or two off from using the Internet (gasp!). And then you won't know what I'm thankful for that day.

We can't have you not knowing what I'm thankful for when it is November, so I'm just going to put it all down right here, right now. One thankfulness for every day of November, not necessarily in any particular order. No slacking off for me this year!

1. My husband is my favorite person in the whole world!
2. I love fruits and vegetables!
3. I have some of the funniest, most loving, and clever siblings in the whole world.
4. My parents have loved and cherished me every day of my life, even on bad days, even on busy days. They've never forgotten to love me!
5. I've never gone a single day in my life without having my needs met. Every day I have food, clothes, a roof over my head, heat and running water. Every single day. And that is incredible!
6. I get to do what I love. Right now, I'm going to massage school, and it is fulfilling, stimulating, fascinating and fun.
7. I am healthy and well. My body works and functions beautifully!
8. My husband has provided a beautiful home for me where I can feel content, safe, and at peace.
9. I live in the most beautiful place on earth: Oregon!
10. I have the time and energy to try new things. I love experiments!
11. All the electronic appliances in my home work really well, which means it's easy and simple for me to cook food, wash my clothes, wash dishes. It's the best life!
12. I love my public library! I will never run out of new things to read and learn and think about. For free!
13. I really appreciate that my husband is as stubborn and strong-willed as I am. It helps make me a more humble, flexible, and gracious person.
14. I'm thankful for Goodwill. It feels amazing to be able to buy new clothes so I feel fresh and stylish and pretty without having to feel guilty at all about spending too much money.
15. I'm grateful to have a life that is, for the most part, structured and predictable. I know, this sounds boring, but it makes me feel secure.
16. My husband is so sexy! I still stare at him all the time because his gorgeousness catches my eye, and I just can't look away.
17. Cleanliness! To have the resources, tools, time, energy, and know-how to have a clean home, a clean body and clean clothes is priceless to me.
18. My husband doesn't think I'm nuts, even when I say things or do things that really are nuts.
19. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am thankful for professional sports. Watching and reading about sports makes my husband's eyes sparkle sometimes. And I'm just a sucker for sparkles in eyes.
20. Andrew, Malia, Travis, Amy, Ryan, and Emma are the most beautiful people on earth that I know. Even though they're not my own babies, I think they're perfect in every way. These sweet nieces and nephews will be my precious babies no matter how old they get.
21. I have a precious friend who has been there for me through thick and thin. It's not very often that a person gets to have a lifetime friend. Let's keep talking forever!
22. I love teachers! My dad has always been my favorite teacher, but I've had so many good ones. My childhood teachers helped draw me out of my shell and show me my potential. The teachers I've worked with taught me how to be a good teacher myself. And the teachers I have right now are sharing amazing things with me about massage and about life that are going to change who I am forever.
23. Sometimes (well, like almost every day) I turn on some good music and dance like a crazy person in my living room and kitchen and bedroom and bathroom... Thank you to all the musicians out there for writing music for me to dance to!
24. I am so grateful for the all the food I can get at the grocery store. Pretty much anything that I can think of to eat (vegetables!) is there, every day, all day long. If you think about it, that's really pretty awesome!
25. I love rain! I love listening to rain, watching rain, walking in the rain, dancing in the rain... It's one of those things that feeds my soul.
26. I'm grateful for unexpected changes in life. As much as I'd like to carefully plan everything and have it be just a certain way, the changes and curveballs almost always turn out better and are usually important in some way.
27. I am thankful for Chemeketa Community College. Here's a fun fact that you may not know. My entire life, my dad worked at Chemeketa. My husband now works at Chemeketa and hopes to continue working there for the rest of his career. So, Chemeketa has been my main source of income for all but about five years of my life and will probably continue to be for many more years.
28. I'm grateful that my mom taught me how to sew. I don't sew often or well, and I don't make big things or fancy things. But when I need to sew something or I want to sew something, I can.
29. There are a few authors and poets who have changed my life by putting their thoughts on paper and finding a way to share them. I am forever indebted to these people for taking the time and effort to write those words down so I could read them.
30. Chinese medicine is the bomb! Because of the work my acupuncturist has done with me, I am healthier and happier than I have ever been in my entire life. Literally! I hope that I can learn enough about Chinese medicine in the context of massage to be able to help other people find healing and wellness as well.

So, that's it, in a nutshell. I'm blessed and oh so grateful for the life I have! Happy Thanksgiving!

The other day, I told a lie.

The other day, I told a lie to a new acquaintance in a class at massage school. Kind of. It wasn't really a lie, but it kind of was. And I've been trying to decide why I answered her questions the way I did.

My classmate was feeling uncomfortable in class because of the spiritual aspects of Eastern massage that our teacher was sharing with us as part of our training. She told me she didn't like that part of the class because she is a Christian, and she asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. She asked me if I believed in Jesus. I said yes. She asked me if I went to church, and I said no.

But the real truth is that I'm not a Christian, at least not by the definition that most people use. But I'm also not a non-Christian. I'm not an athiest; I'm not an anti-Christian. Apparently I look like a Christian. That's what my classmate told me. She said, "I thought so. You look like a Christian."

What does a Christian look like? If I was a full-on atheist, would I look different? Because I grew up as a Christian, will I always look like a Christian no matter what I actually believe?

When she asked me if I believed in Jesus, I said yes because I do. Except that I know that when she asked that simple question, she was really asking, "Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God who died on the cross to save us from our sins so we can live eternally in Heaven after we die?" And my honest answer would have been no. I believe in the things that Jesus taught... but I don't believe he taught that.

So I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the truth either. And I've been thinking a lot about that because telling the truth is really important to me. Why didn't I just tell her the truth?

It would have taken too long. She wasn't looking for a long in-depth conversation about theology or spirituality. She simply wanted to see if I was her ally, if I was on her side and would sympathize with her discomfort. If I had given her a short answer that was the opposite, that would have been untrue as well.

I can't really give short answers that are all the way true because I'm in this weird middle place that is very grey. But I've noticed that when people want to talk about God, religion, spirituality, theology they really like to keep things black and white. Neat and tidy. Clean and clear-cut. People who aren't living a black and white spirituality are wishy-washy. And I've heard that wishy-washy Christians are some of the worst kinds.

The truth is, I'm scared of Christians. Not all of them, just the conservative, evangelical variety. I'm scared of telling them I'm not a Christian or telling them I don't believe in Jesus as my personal Savior or saying something crazy about how there isn't any such thing as heaven and hell. I'll tell almost anyone I know what I think about these things, but put me face-to-face with a person who's a good conservative Christian, and I clam up right away, apparently. You see, I used to be one of them, so I know how they're supposed to react to people like me. I know that if they really are living for Jesus, as soon as they find out I'm not saved, they'll get right on that. They'll figure out how to start evangelizing me, they may ask me to church, or, if they're shy, they may just look at me with pity in their eyes because I'm going to burn in hell. And then they'll make a mental note to pray for me.

And I don't want to be treated like that. I don't want to be treated like a non-Christian by other Christians, so it's hard for me to tell them the real truth. Even when I was a tried-and-true Christian, I found other Christians who still couldn't resist evangelizing me if they found even the smallest detail of my personal theology to be amiss.

I'm scared of being treated like a non-Christian instead of being treated like a person. I'm scared of being treated like a sinner or someone who is lost and needs direction or someone who is making poor life decisions. I'm scared of being diminished and reduced and cut down to nothing but a label. I just want people to treat me like a person. I want people to appreciate my mind and my soul and my heart regardless of whether I have the right answers to their questions. I want to be honest about who I am and have that be okay.

I'm scared that if I give an honest answer that someone doesn't like, that person will stop listening to anything else I have to say. So sometimes I tell little lies. Maybe someday I will have more courage.

I Might Just Fly Away

Arms stretched out all the way

Catch as much air as I can hold

Grasping at the wind

A steady, salty, sandy sea wind

Nearly strong enough to hold me up

If I fall back into it

Just misty enough that I can’t tell

I’m wet nearly through

Until I turn around

And feel the wind from the other side

Arms stretched out all the way

Hair whipping around in a frenzy

Eyes closed tight to feel it more closely

To feel that I might just fly away

If I took just a few steps running

If I leaped just a bit

With arms stretched out all the way

In this strong salty sea wet wind

It might pick me up and carry me away

Away over the rocks and the waves

And up over the morning fog

I might just fly away

Tell the Truth

I sat down with the intention of putting into words what my experience has been like practicing as a massage student. I feel like I'm learning so much more from massage than techniques and strokes to work on a person's muscles. I get the sense that I'm learning things I need to know about being human, about the fears and insecurities people have and how to break through those feelings to strengthen and empower people. But it's hard to explain exactly what that looks like in the context of practicing massage.

This is what came out instead. This is about what I am learning, what I am seeing, and perhaps what I hope I can accomplish as a massage therapist. I only hope that in some small way I will be able to use massage as a tool to contribute some truth to other people's lives about who they are and who they can be.

Woman in the mirror

Stop shaming, demeaning, abusing

That woman in the mirror

Stop telling her how ugly she is

And how fat she is

And how unlovable she is

Stop criticizing every action and every word

Stop pointing out her failures

And negating her successes

Stop telling her lies about who she is

Because she believes you

Woman in the mirror

When you tell her untruths about who she is as a woman

She believes you

And then she begins to walk out in the world

Telling other people how unlovable she is

She begins proclaiming her un-worth to all who can hear

She begins to apologize for everything she can’t do

For everything she doesn’t have

For all that she feels she can never be

And she feels as though she must make up for it somehow

She’ll start accepting when other people

Put her in her place, push her down, push her around

When her friends walk all over her

She’ll blame herself and feel certain she deserves it

When she finds a good man

She won’t let herself stay because she knows

She’s not good enough for him

When she finds the wrong man

She won’t let herself tell him he’s wrong

When he tells her she’s nothing

Woman in the mirror

Change your story, learn a new mantra

To replace she’s ugly, fat, stupid and lazy

Change your story to the truth

Tell the woman in the mirror

How very unique and special she is

Tell her that there is no one on the planet

That can fill the role she plays

No one on earth who can love people the way she loves

No one who has the same laugh or the same smile

No one who thinks the exact same thoughts

Or has the same perspective on the world

Tell her about her potential

About all the things she can do with her life

When she learns to believe in herself

And see her own value

And learns how to love herself

Tell her that she can do anything and be anything

And she is worth the time and the energy and the love

To make it happen

Woman in the mirror

Tell the truth, shout it out loud if you have to

I'm on a path; this path is good.

I'm on a path; this path is good.

Some people like to follow the yellow brick road. It's popular. It's well-known. It's been the path of choice for decades, so it must be the right one. But I'm bored of yellow, every day and every hour, yellow bricks passing under my feet. Blah. So when I see a dirt trail off the side of the road that delves deep into the forest, I veer off that way instead. If it ends up being a dead end, I can always go back to the road again, but I probably won't. If this dirt path dead-ends in a beautiful and magical part of the forest, there's no way that I'm going to backtrack and leave that place. I'll break out my machete and forge my own trail from there. It's a character-building experience; blazing your own trail requires much more curiosity, courage, and determination than falling back onto the road everyone else is traveling.

I'm on a path; this path is good.

Out here in the deep woods, the air smells richer, the water tastes fresher, the sounds around me are joyful and uplifting. Why would I ever want to go back. I guess one of the downfalls on my path is that I sometimes get lonely, walking through the woods alone. People in my life didn't understand when I decided to take my own path. Not everyone wants to do that; not everyone thinks it's wise. There were so many fears, so many doubts. What if you get lost? What if you encounter something dangerous? What if you can't find your way back? What if you can't find your way to your destination? What if you've chosen the wrong path? It would be so much better, wiser, safer to stay on this road with us. On the yellow brick road, the travelers generally feel confident that they are on the right path, they know where they're going, they know the directions for how to get to their final destination. They have confidence in that choice, and I'm okay with that. If that's what they need, then they're on the right path for them. But that also means that I have to be okay with being on my own out here on my own path.

I'm on a path; this path is good.

I've come far enough on this path, I've seen enough incredible and beautiful sights, that I know I'll never be able to go back. My whole life, I was told about the road we would all be following together and where it would lead us and how wonderful it would be. But now that I've broken out on my own, the journey feels so much more real. It's almost like traveling down the yellow brick road was not really my experience because it was all about other people. It was all about following a road that other people had built, and following the road signs that people from the past had put in place. And it was all about traveling the road with everyone else around you, staying together as a group, making decisions as a group about which fork in the road to take, how fast to travel, when to rest, and when to walk on through the night. Nothing on that path was mine. I tried to speak up when I felt like there was something important to say, but nobody could hear me above the clamor of the crowd. This wasn't something that was done intentionally; it's just how it is when you travel in a large group. And that just wasn't for me.

I'm on a path; this path is good.

Sometimes this path I'm carving passes the paths of others who, like me, weren't satisfied with the monotony and safety of the yellow brick road. I seem to run into these other pathfinders at just the right time, when I feel the most lonely or discouraged or when I need direction or support to make my way. In those moments when I have the most need, the answer always pops up right in front of me, in the form of a fellow wanderer who has wisdom and support and information to share with me. It's as though something or someone is actually blazing these trails for us, directing our paths so they lead us where we need to be, to what we need to find. When I need a friend, I encounter another traveler. When I run out of water, my path crosses a stream. When I run out of food, my path takes me right through an orchard. When I need rest, there is always a safe place to stay for the night. All I have to do is follow that gut feeling, that gentle tugging that gives me my direction, those words whispered in my mind telling me when to move and when to stay. Because of this, I feel confident that my path will end exactly where it's supposed to. I don't know the final destination or how long it takes to get there or what it will be like when I get there, but I trust the path.

I trust that this path is good.

Now for some serious business.

No more playing around. This is serious. I am infatuated with vinegar!

I don't use it on food. That's disgusting. But I use it for just about everything else. I'm beginning to be obsessed. I'm always going online to find out what else I can do with it, trying to figure out which products in my house can be replaced with it. I love throwing things away. If I could throw everything else away and just have vinegar... well, not everything.

So how do I use vinegar in everything without ever putting it in my food? Easy. I use it when I clean my bathroom. I no longer use any products with bleach in them for sanitizing because bleach is gross, and vinegar can kill germs too. So after I've cleaned the tub and sink and toilet with natural all-purpose cleaner and baking soda, I spray vinegar on the surfaces that could still be germy and leave it to dry. Germs die!

Then I use it in my laundry, too. Since we moved to Keizer, we've had a lot more static electricity in our clothing than we used to. I refuse to use dryer sheets because those are gross and chemically. So I did some research online and discovered that you can add vinegar to the wash load as a fabric softener which reduces static electricity. And it works!

I also remembered reading that you could use vinegar to deodorize things that stink. Well I have shoes that stink, so I thought I'd try it out. I pulled out my stinkiest pair of shoes, sprayed some vinegar into them and left them out to dry. Afterwards, they still stank, but... not as badly. It did help a little bit because, like I said before, vinegar kills germs, and germs make stinkiness. Germs die!

My new favorite way to use vinegar? Hair. That's right! I have gone hippie for my hair! I stopped using shampoo and conditioner; now I wash with baking soda and water and condition with vinegar. Love it, love it, love it! Craig was really skeptical about this one. He was just sure that I was going to get all stinky and greasy and gross after I stopped using normal hair products. But he was so wrong! I don't stink! My hair looks fine, feels fine and is completely free of chemicals. Chemicals be gone!

Oh yeah, I just remembered one more! I just started putting some in my dishwasher along with the detergent. The same hard water that leaves my laundry staticy  also leaves hard water spots on my glasses. Vinegar to the rescue! I just washed a load of dishes today. Let me check them real quick to see how they look........................................
They look pretty good. Perfect? No. But far fewer spots than before. Once again, vinegar is a life-saver!

You're not trying vinegar yet? I dare you to!

I believe in blasphemy.

I believe in asking questions. And in the world I come from asking too many questions, asking the wrong kind of questions, asking questions that don't have clean, easy answers is almost the same as speaking blasphemy. I am a heretic, I am sacrilegious, I am irreverent towards God and all his ways. Because I ask too many questions.

But what if having faith has more to do with having questions than with having answers?

What if true faith, deep-down-at-the-core-of-your-being faith, has more to do with humility and the willingness to not know everything than it does with unwavering confidence in absolute truth?

What if true faith, bone-jarringly-honest faith, has more to do with the intentions of your heart than with the religious doctrines you follow?

What if true faith, bring-you-to-your-knees faith, has more to do with loving, supporting, embracing and nurturing acceptance of everyone (actually everyone, not just almost everyone) than with figuring out who is in and who is out, who is saved and who is lost, who is right and who is wrong?

What if faith and being part of the kingdom of heaven on earth has more to do with helping and encouraging and blessing others than with evangelizing and converting others to your views of religion?

Because what if the quality of our love is more important than the number of people who fill our church buildings or temples or mosques?

What if how we love others throughout our lifetime is actually more important to the well-being of our souls and the well-being of our world than whether or not we've done what's required to get to Heaven?

Because what if we spend our whole lives focused on salvation, our own salvation, saving others, teaching everyone we know how to live rightly and how to be saved, and then we die only to be reincarnated or only to find ourselves... nowhere?

What if in the end, after we all die, there is no such thing as Heaven and no such thing as Hell, but the entire focus of your life was who was saved and who was lost, who would live eternally with God and who would burn in Hell?

And when it comes down to it, sometimes the only convincing reason we can come up with for why it matters which religion a person believes in is that one religion is right and the others are all wrong.

And if someone believes in the wrong religion, then aren't they missing out on the opportunity to live for eternity in the presence of God?

But what if there is no Hell after death, or there is no Heaven after death?

What if instead, each of us chooses our joy and freedom or our bondage and slavery each and every day that we live?

And what if the real opportunity being missed is the chance to live every day with the blessing that comes with  truly having unconditional love for every other soul on this planet regardless of their race, their religion, their political views, their priorities, lifestyle or opinions?

What if loving someone else, everyone else, is more important in the big picture, in the grand scheme of the cosmos, in God's plan for humanity, than whether or not I am right, than whether or not my religion is true, than whether or not I am going to Heaven after I die?

What if love is more important?

Keep Being

God, don't grow smaller for my sake
When I give you a place
As a character in the book I write
Don't settle for playing the role I give you
When I build these four walls
In my feeble attempt
To give you a safe place to live
Crumble  these walls into dust
When I lay out the guidelines
For who I know you should be
Crash through my made-up rules
Like a raging, angry bull
When I ask you to be calm and safe
Flare up like the brilliant birth
Of a brand new star
When I ask you to be tame
Terrify me with your unbridled wildness
Like a storm that strikes with no warning
When I ask you to be small
Refuse to stop being everything
God, keep being everything
Keep being confusing and unknowable
Keep shining so brightly that I am painfully blinded
Keep hiding in plain sight
Keep abiding in people, places and things
That make me squirm
That make me irritated and mad
Keep living on in all the things
I've never bothered
Paying any attention to
Keep being so God-like
And so un-human
That I will never be able
To stop asking questions
That I will never stop
Feeling shocked, awed, and utterly undone
By what I find when I seek

I don't know how to do that.

Ask me about almost any popular internet trend right now, and I will tell you, I don't know how to do that. Or I will say, never heard of it. Or I will give you a blank look of complete confusion because I don't have a clue what you just said. I don't know how to use the internet the way that normal people use the internet. I can use it like an old person, I guess, but not like a young person.

I know what Twitter is, but I don't actually understand how it works. There's a lot of # and @, I think, but I don't know what they do. And then I see those same things show up on Facebook, but I'm not sure why.

There are all these new-fangled websites out there like Pinterest and Reddit and Spotify and Google+. I don't know how to use these; I don't know what they do. I think I signed up for a Google+ account, but I didn't mean to; it was an accident. And now I get emails from Google+ about things I should do or people I should know, and they confuse me. I don't want to sign up for too many websites because that will confuse me more.

This is how I use computers and the internet. I go on webpages or into software programs I have used before and hope they look the same. When they look different than they used to (because they will look different someday), then I guess. When I use a website or program that I've never used before, I just guess what buttons to push and hope that it works. And some days I am smarter than computers and the internet and some days I am not. Some days I am a good guesser and some days I am not.

Fortunately, it is usually something that doesn't really matter to me, so I just skip it if I can't guess the right buttons. And if it is something that does matter to me, I go to a different website and try to find simple, easy-to-follow instructions on how to do it, hopefully a video with visual aides. And when that website's instructions make no sense to me or don't actually match up to what I'm looking at, then I wait. And eventually my husband will come home, and he will fix it for me.

That is what my husband is for. If the computer or printer or iPod or internet page is kicking my ass, my husband will fix it for me.

So now you know. Several times a week, at least, I ask myself as I guess and push random buttons to see what will happen, "Am I smarter than my computer today?" And quite often the answer is no, I am not smarter than this computer. But it's okay. I don't need to be. It will be okay.

Visiting church...

I've been visiting a church lately.

Maybe that means that I'm not destined for hell after all. (sarcasm with a smile)

It's interesting to me to look at myself and my motivations and try to figure out why I want to go to a church. I haven't been a regular church attender for about four years, I think. And I really haven't missed church at all.

I should point out that this church I've been visiting is not your average church. It is a Quaker semi-programmed church. That means that it is part of the Quaker or Friends denomination (Christians) and has some structure to the service but no sermon. So it's really not regular church at all. We don't even sit facing the front of the room because there's nothing up front to look at. We sit in rows that face each other, almost a circle. We commune with each other; we do not sit there to watch a pastor or a worship team or a screen.

Why am I going to a church? I don't even really believe in church. I don't really believe in religion so much. But I do want to connect to others. I do want to talk to people about God, about spirituality, about how we decide how to live this life. And it seems like the best way to achieve this purpose is to go to a church. That's what church is for, right? To figure out what this whole God thing is all about?

Except I don't feel that figuring out the whole God thing involves a pastor telling an entire congregation how to read the Bible, how to pray, how to minister to others, how to give, and how to raise their children. That's my own personal opinion; feel free to have a different view. I'm just not willing to participate in that kind of religion, in that kind of church. Because a pastor is not God and can't tell me what God wants from my life as an individual.

What if figuring out this God stuff was more like people just having conversations and sharing ideas and hearing each other? What if it involved asking questions and analyzing our experiences and listening as individuals and as groups to try to hear that still small voice that God sometimes uses to speak to our hearts? This non-regular church kind of feels like it could be like that a little. I'll give it time. I want to be part of a community; I want to be part of a conversation; I want to be connected. So I'm willing to give this thing a try.

Pieces of a Puzzle

We dream and we hope

We search and we find

We imagine and believe

In the incomprehensible

In this universe infused through and through

With God-nature

Eternally exploding with light

And bursting forth with ecstatic joy

This universe that dances

In all shapes and sizes and directions

Of rotations and revolutions

Tilts and ellipses

Orbits and collisions

This universe that evolves

In spurts and phases and bursts

Of growth and decline

Ordering and entropy

Expansions and implosions

This universe composed

Of particles leaping through space and time

At the speed of light

And stars aging gracefully through the eons

Celestial objects massive and minute

Seemingly unattached to each other

Certainly not concerned with each other

Still find themselves

Inevitably drawn to each other

Gently tugged and nudged

Prodded and pulled

Into their destined roles in the cosmos

To be pieces of a puzzle

Composing this galactic work of art

This universe

And miraculously

Inconceivably

We have been blessed to share

In this masterpiece

To catch glimpses and snatches

And little bits and pieces

Of the splendor of the universe

We are given eyes to see

And ears to hear

And hearts to feel

And minds to ponder

The irresistibly beautiful nature

Of every thing that surrounds us

And is, in the end

A part of us

Peering through the lenses

Of our microscopes and telescopes

Digging and searching

Through the mysteries of the past

Learning from the discoveries

Of the great minds of yesterday

And trying to paint a picture

Through our hopes and dreams

Of what we may discover tomorrow

We realize each step of the way

How inextricably entwined we are

With this dance

With this cosmos

With past, present and future

With the particles of our own bodies

And with stars so distant

We’ll never even catch a glimpse of them

Even those stars

Are connected to us

Are part of us

All pieces of the puzzle

That compose this masterpiece

And as witnesses to this work of art

We can declare with ceaseless joy

It is good

It is so infinitely good

Why Marriage Equality Matters To Me

When I first laid eyes on Craig Saunders over ten years ago, I was hooked instantly. I hadn't actually met him yet; I had simply seen him walk into a room. And from that moment forward I was irresistibly drawn to him in a way I've never experienced before. He was the one that I was supposed to fall in love with, get married to, and have beautiful babies with. From the moment I saw him, that was it. Period. No doubts, no turning back, no second-guessing. I just wanted him. I didn't choose my reaction to seeing him for the first time. It was from my gut. It was automatic. It was an unstoppable and unwavering attraction that persists to this day.

Once I actually met Craig and started getting to know him, I didn't choose to fall in love with him. It was natural. It was as easy as breathing to love him and want him and hope for a future with him. Once I knew I was in love and was going to marry this incredible man, there was nothing in the world that could have changed my mind. I would have traveled to the ends of the earth to be with him if I had to. I would have given up anything to have him and to be had by him.

When I married Craig six years ago, it was the happiest day of my life so far. It is the one memory that brings me to tears every time I think back to it. I'm literally crying right now just thinking about how incredibly beautiful it was to marry my husband.  I can see the adoration that shone in his eyes when I walked down the aisle to him. I can still hear him reading his vows of love to me. I can see that huge smile on his face as we were declared man and wife. And the thing that's most precious to me is the private moment we had together right after the ceremony when he was nearly speechless with joy because he had just married me.

If the first paragraph of this posting had involved me seeing a woman and being irresistibly attracted to her, I probably wouldn't have been able to write the third paragraph. I wouldn't be guaranteed the option of getting married to the person that I love more than life itself, if I had fallen in love with a woman. All that beauty, all that joy, all those memories wouldn't be mine to remember with tears and a smile. I guess I'm just lucky that I happened to fall in love with a man.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to fall in love so deeply and so truly with the knowledge that I could never get married to that person. I love my husband, and I am so grateful to be married to him. And I truly wish that every person could be as happy and in love and as blissfully wedded as Craig and I are. That is why marriage equality matters to me.

Let's be honest: I just wanted to be beautiful again.

Lately, I’ve been basking in the satisfaction of looking good. I’ve been thinking a lot about what people see when they look at me. I’ve caught myself hoping that other people notice how good I look. My arrogance and vanity have increased in leaps and bounds in just a few short months.

This is what I get for losing weight. As a slightly chubbier woman, I worked so hard to convince myself that the size of my body didn’t matter. My extra body fat didn’t have anything to do with my value as a woman. I needed to believe that I was beautiful and successful and accomplished just the way I was. I didn’t want to hate my image in the mirror; I didn’t want to berate myself for not being thin, for not being perfect. I hate it when I hear women talk about how much they want to lose weight and how they really shouldn’t be eating this or that.

I hate diet talk because I think women should love themselves for all the amazing qualities they have instead of just hating the way their bodies look. But I’m such a hypocrite, because as soon as I started losing weight, I let out a huge sigh of relief that I wasn’t going to have to be a fat person my whole life. I told myself over and over again that being overweight didn’t diminish my value as a person in any way, but I only really believed that grudgingly and halfheartedly so I didn’t have to feel miserable. 

I have always insisted that my focus is on my health. It’s important to be healthy, and if that leads to weight loss then that’s great; but focus on health first. But maybe that was all a load of crap, because now that I’ve lost the weight, I can be honest with myself that it’s great to feel healthy, but it would have really pissed me off if I hadn’t lost a pound.  Before I knew whether I would lose any weight, I told myself I didn’t care if I lost a single pound as long as I was healthier and stronger and had more energy. Bull-shit. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to feel beautiful again. 

And now I’m angry at myself because I want to be the person who does believe that everyone is beautiful and amazing and valuable. I want to be a woman who can genuinely love and value myself no matter what my size or shape is. I truly believe that a woman shouldn’t feel pressured to be a certain size or look a certain way. So why do I have such conflicting thoughts in my own mind? Why am I so relieved to be thin again? Why was it so important to me to lose weight?

I’ll admit this bluntly; the way I look right now makes me feel powerful and sexy. I want people’s heads to turn as I walk by. I want other women to be jealous of how I look. I want men drooling over me and being disappointed that I’m not available. I want all of these things at the same time that I despise them. I know it’s all a lie, but I can’t find a way to truly break free of it. My value is not found in my physical beauty, but somehow I can’t completely convince myself of that.

It’s a tragedy, and it just doesn’t make any sense. I’ve known a fourth grade girl who was already trying to starve herself so she could be skinny enough—that’s a nine-year-old we’re talking about. And I’ve known middle school girls who were trying so hard to look like adult women at the age of twelve or thirteen, embracing their sexuality at a time in their lives when they should have still been children. 

And there are so many children and teenagers and grown women who spend so much money and energy and time and sweat and tears trying to look different than they do. It doesn’t seem to matter how much natural beauty a woman is born with; we all want to look different. For some reason, we think it will make our lives better. We think it will make us happier to not look like ourselves. Why are we all so eager to believe this tragic lie? And even when we know it’s bullshit, why can’t we break free from it?

This is the truth that I will continue to fight for and tell myself over and over again.

I am a beautiful woman worthy of admiration and love because…

I have an awesome brain and I use it.

I am compassionate and kind and thoughtful.

I am curious and passionate about what’s happening in the world around me.

I have a great sense of humor whether you get it or not.

I love talking about geeky things like science and health and religion.

I don’t give a crap about fashion or makeup or celebrities.

I am not like any other woman that you have ever met, and I will never change to try to be like someone else.

The size and shape of my butt or my boobs or even my nose doesn’t have anything to do with my value as a human being.