I see the universe in your eyes
Every time you and I gaze at one another
New sights and endless possibilities
That stretch farther than the mind can imagine
Unfathomable beauty and pulsing life
That make me gasp in wonder
And a million fragments of human experience
That meld together to form
The incredible person you are and will be
I delight in the unfurling of the mysterious truths
That I will spend the rest of my life discovering
As I stare into the depths of your beautiful eyes
Friday, September 4, 2015
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Be Here
I find myself deeply enamored
With the gentle freshness of the breeze
On a quiet, still morning
In early autumn
Every time I stop to be here
I remember it is these simple things
That pour the most beauty
Over my blessed life
If only I could remember
To be here
More moments of every day
My joy would overflow
With the gentle freshness of the breeze
On a quiet, still morning
In early autumn
Every time I stop to be here
I remember it is these simple things
That pour the most beauty
Over my blessed life
If only I could remember
To be here
More moments of every day
My joy would overflow
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Simplicity
I am most happy when I remember that I am a minimalist and
begin clearing things away.
I clear away extra clothes from my closet, old
papers from the file cabinet, forgotten emails from the computer, stale food from the
cupboard.
And if I am very fortunate, I will remember to clear away
unnecessary thoughts that crowd my mind with worry and doubt and negativity.
When all the extra things are cleared away, I find more
space for peace, for quiet, for simple, joyful moments when I catch glimpses of true
beauty.
When all the baggage and junk and debris of life is
discarded and forgotten, I rediscover my true and deepest self again in the midst of simplicity.
And my heart fills with pleasure and contentment, and all is
right with the world.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Mother's Day
This year on Mother's Day, I found myself feeling miserable. I'm not a mother. I want to be a mother, but I'm not one yet. I'll be thirty this summer, and being childless after seven years of marriage sometimes feels like I've failed in some way.
It doesn't help at all that when a married woman is not yet a mother, people seem to think it's appropriate to remind her of her childless state. They say things like, "I'm sure you'll start having kids of your own soon," or "Maybe next year, you'll be celebrating mother's day," or " Anytime now, it will be your turn." They say these things to childless women on Mother's Day, at other people's baby showers, when talking about someone else's child, or when a new pregnancy has just been announced. They say these things even if they hardly know the person. It's as if they're thinking, "Oh poor woman, she must feel bad that she doesn't have a child; I'll just say something nice to cheer her up."
I know these people must be trying to be nice. I suppose their words are supposed to sound like encouragement or support or empathy. But when I hear those words, they don't lift me up or brighten my day. They piss me off. As a 29 year old woman who's been married for over seven years, when I show up to a baby shower, I am very aware of the fact that people expect me to have started having children already. I am very aware that the expectant mother has something that I don't have. And I am very aware in that moment of my desire and longing for a child of my own. I really don't need someone else to bring this to my attention.
I already know I don't have kids. I already know you think I should have kids. I already know that I want to be a mother. I really don't need you to say any of that out loud to me.
When someone says these things to me, it feels like a put-down, a rejection, a slap in the face. It feels like they look at me and see only a woman who hasn't fulfilled anything in her life yet. It feels like all they're seeing when they look at me is a potential mother.
Actually, I'm a person. Really. Even if I don't have any kids, even if I'm almost 30, even if everyone else around me appears to be popping out babies-- I'm a person, a valuable and interesting and intelligent person who has a life. So please stop telling me about what I'm lacking in my life, and start recognizing who I am and what I do have in life.
"It is not our roles that define us, but the integrity and bravery we bring to those roles."
~Rachel Held Evans
It doesn't help at all that when a married woman is not yet a mother, people seem to think it's appropriate to remind her of her childless state. They say things like, "I'm sure you'll start having kids of your own soon," or "Maybe next year, you'll be celebrating mother's day," or " Anytime now, it will be your turn." They say these things to childless women on Mother's Day, at other people's baby showers, when talking about someone else's child, or when a new pregnancy has just been announced. They say these things even if they hardly know the person. It's as if they're thinking, "Oh poor woman, she must feel bad that she doesn't have a child; I'll just say something nice to cheer her up."
I know these people must be trying to be nice. I suppose their words are supposed to sound like encouragement or support or empathy. But when I hear those words, they don't lift me up or brighten my day. They piss me off. As a 29 year old woman who's been married for over seven years, when I show up to a baby shower, I am very aware of the fact that people expect me to have started having children already. I am very aware that the expectant mother has something that I don't have. And I am very aware in that moment of my desire and longing for a child of my own. I really don't need someone else to bring this to my attention.
I already know I don't have kids. I already know you think I should have kids. I already know that I want to be a mother. I really don't need you to say any of that out loud to me.
When someone says these things to me, it feels like a put-down, a rejection, a slap in the face. It feels like they look at me and see only a woman who hasn't fulfilled anything in her life yet. It feels like all they're seeing when they look at me is a potential mother.
Actually, I'm a person. Really. Even if I don't have any kids, even if I'm almost 30, even if everyone else around me appears to be popping out babies-- I'm a person, a valuable and interesting and intelligent person who has a life. So please stop telling me about what I'm lacking in my life, and start recognizing who I am and what I do have in life.
"It is not our roles that define us, but the integrity and bravery we bring to those roles."
~Rachel Held Evans
Friday, March 28, 2014
Give them your money! They feed children!
I haven't written much lately on my blog because nothing much has been happening. I've been going to school, doing some baking at home, being nice to my husband who is really busy at work right now. Just trucking along. Nothing really important to write down.
Then I started following a story online that stopped me in my tracks. You may have heard that the charity organization, World Vision, made an announcement that they were going to enact a policy allowing legally married homosexuals to work for their organization. And all of a sudden conservative evangelical Christians from across the country decided to stop sending money to World Vision.
World Vision decided they would allow married homosexuals to apply for jobs and a whole bunch of Christians decided that was a big enough deal to stop feeding children. Because homosexuals should not be allowed to help feed children? Because homosexuals should not get paid to help feed children? Because children should be punished and starved if they have any association at all with homosexuals?
Really????
And I started reading opinions being expressed on both sides of the issue. I have a specific opinion about World Vision hiring homosexuals, but that doesn't really matter. What tore me up was reading hate-filled, bullying words coming out of the mouths of Christians on both sides of the issue. Christians are people who try to act like Christ, right? Big fail here. Epic fail on the part of both conservatives and liberals. Each side took the moral high ground and put the other side in their place underneath their feet in order to better stomp on them.
So both sides are battling their war of hurtful and hateful words in the name of Christ, while children are hungry. And World Vision just feeds hungry children. That's the whole point-- they feed children. Who cares if the whole organization is run by gays and lesbians and they only hire from the LGBT community? If they're really good at feeding children, give them your money! They feed children!
The outcry against offering job opportunities to gay people was so overwhelming that World Vision quickly changed their policy back to the way it was before because so many Christians were cancelling their sponsorships in protest. And the war of words over sin and morality and Biblical truth continues from both the right and the left. The mud slinging continues with hungry children standing in the middle of it all. Shame.
Then I started following a story online that stopped me in my tracks. You may have heard that the charity organization, World Vision, made an announcement that they were going to enact a policy allowing legally married homosexuals to work for their organization. And all of a sudden conservative evangelical Christians from across the country decided to stop sending money to World Vision.
World Vision decided they would allow married homosexuals to apply for jobs and a whole bunch of Christians decided that was a big enough deal to stop feeding children. Because homosexuals should not be allowed to help feed children? Because homosexuals should not get paid to help feed children? Because children should be punished and starved if they have any association at all with homosexuals?
Really????
And I started reading opinions being expressed on both sides of the issue. I have a specific opinion about World Vision hiring homosexuals, but that doesn't really matter. What tore me up was reading hate-filled, bullying words coming out of the mouths of Christians on both sides of the issue. Christians are people who try to act like Christ, right? Big fail here. Epic fail on the part of both conservatives and liberals. Each side took the moral high ground and put the other side in their place underneath their feet in order to better stomp on them.
So both sides are battling their war of hurtful and hateful words in the name of Christ, while children are hungry. And World Vision just feeds hungry children. That's the whole point-- they feed children. Who cares if the whole organization is run by gays and lesbians and they only hire from the LGBT community? If they're really good at feeding children, give them your money! They feed children!
The outcry against offering job opportunities to gay people was so overwhelming that World Vision quickly changed their policy back to the way it was before because so many Christians were cancelling their sponsorships in protest. And the war of words over sin and morality and Biblical truth continues from both the right and the left. The mud slinging continues with hungry children standing in the middle of it all. Shame.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Making up for lost time.
The other day, someone commented on my current lack of
children and said that when I do get pregnant, perhaps I will have twins to
make up for the lost time. And I guess she meant that I’ve lost time somehow
because I should have started having children at a younger age or because I won’t
have enough childbearing years left to have a whole houseful of children (which
I really don’t want anyways). But this implies somehow that if I’m not using my
time to have children when I should (I guess in my twenties instead of in my
thirties), then I must be wasting my time. I’ll turn thirty this year, and I
will reach this milestone without ever having conceived a child. (And don’t
worry, we haven’t started trying yet. We’re not infertile as far as we know.)
But I really don’t see my time as having been wasted at all.
Did I often wish that I had children throughout the last ten years of my life?
Absolutely. Sometimes desperately. But when you’re in a relationship, making
the decision to have kids is kind of a two person job, and it’s not the right
time unless it’s right for both of us. I wished for children and hoped for
children and daydreamed about children, but I’m also really glad that I haven’t
had them yet. Sometimes what we wish for and desire most is not what we’re supposed
to have at the moment. Sometimes it’s something we’re supposed to wait for.
There are so many other wonderful things that I filled that
time with that I wouldn’t have had if I had been having babies instead.
Like spending the last seven years married to my husband,
just him and me. Just him and me and no one else. Time to bond. Time to
snuggle. Time to figure out how to have a more functional and graceful
relationship with each other. Time to grow up and decide what we really
want from life. Time to make goals and change goals and achieve goals without
having to worry about how to take care of a kid at the same time. This time
with my husband all to myself has been precious, and I wouldn’t go back and
trade it for having kids earlier.
I feel like all too often we feel this pressure externally
or internally about how and when and where every important thing in our life should
happen. It’s like there’s a set of unwritten rules about what life looks like,
and if you don’t follow those rules, you must be failing. If you’re not married
at the right time, or having kids at the right time, or making the right
decisions about your education and career, if you don’t do your life like
everyone else seems to be doing their lives, then there must be something wrong
with you.
Except, I just don’t buy that. Because if I’m doing my life
based on other people’s expectations or examples, then I’m not doing my life; I’m
doing someone else’s life instead. There’s only one of me, and I am not my
parents, I am not my friends, I am not some statistical average. I am an
individual on a path that was set out just for me. I have to trust that my path
is good and will take me where I need to go.
My path so far has been amazing. It’s been beautiful,
breathtaking, challenging, surprising. But it has certainly not been a waste of
my time. My path, my life, so far has been time well spent, and I’m excited to
see what comes next.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I love myself just the way I am.
I hear you
Loud and clear
Shouting at me to make sure I hear
To make sure I know and never forget
How to be more powerful
How to be more perfect
How to be a better me
Empower yourself
Wear those skin tight jeans
And a teeny tiny shirt
And never leave home
Without your pushup bra
Put on your smoky eyes
With dark long lashes
And plumped up shiny lips
No matter how long it takes
Don’t leave the bathroom
Without baby soft skin
And shave and pluck and wax, repeat
Because the less you look real
The more confident you will feel
Empower yourself
By eating less
Eat nothing if you must
Work out longer and repeat
Break a sweat every time
Or it doesn’t count
Buy a different cellulite cream
If the first one didn’t work
And the most expensive diet pills
And the low fat cardboard food
Lose every pound you possibly can
Because the less space you take up in this world
The more power you will have
That’s what you’ve told me
That’s what I’ve heard
I can discover myself
Love myself
Be proud of myself
Not because of my strong character,
Not because I am thoughtful,
Intelligent, creative, kind,
Understanding, intuitive,
Well-educated or wise
But rather because I have worked so hard
For this beautiful, sexy, fine ass
That’s all I really need in life
Is this fine ass
And my breasts pushed up to my chin
And a flatter stomach
And less cellulite
Then I’m worth loving, right?
Yes, I hear you loud and clear
I’ve heard you over and over again
And I still don’t believe you
You can tell me who I need to be
A million times over
But I will never believe
Because I hear you loud and clear
And you are clearly lying
You are loudly lying
You are lying over and over
A million times over I hear your lie
So I will continue to love myself
In the jeans that are comfortable
And my favorite old sweatshirt
In this soft, saggy bra that feels good all day
With not a speck of makeup on my face
With the lashes and skin that God gave me
And sometimes without shaving for weeks
I love myself just like that
I love myself most just like that
And I will continue to be proud of myself
For eating real food that sustains my body
And even food that tastes amazing
And even food with real sugar and real butter
Because sometimes that’s what hits the spot
And I will be proud of myself
When I work out because I want to be strong
Strong enough to accomplish anything
When I break a sweat because I am enjoying myself
Too much to stop
And I will be even more proud of myself
When I don’t work out
When I’m dog tired
Because sometimes taking care of myself
Means resting, means sitting and being still
And I promise to boycott diet pills and miracle creams and
low fat foods
For all the rest of my days
Because I want to just be myself
I want to be my genuine self
And there is nothing you can do
To convince me otherwise
I love myself
And you can’t persuade me not to
I am empowered and confident and proud
Because I am my best self
Just the way I am
And I am an amazing person
Just the way I am
So I will shout this loud and clear
To anyone who can hear
I love myself, love myself, love myself
Just the way I am
Friday, November 1, 2013
Thanksgiving
It's November. And all my facebook buddies are going to start sharing one thing every day that they are thankful for in celebration of Thanksgiving.
I'm thankful for things, too. But there might be some days in November when I feel snarky or flabbergasted, and then I may forget to tell everyone that I'm thankful. Or I might get sick. Or I might be busy with homework. Or I may take a whole day or two off from using the Internet (gasp!). And then you won't know what I'm thankful for that day.
We can't have you not knowing what I'm thankful for when it is November, so I'm just going to put it all down right here, right now. One thankfulness for every day of November, not necessarily in any particular order. No slacking off for me this year!
1. My husband is my favorite person in the whole world!
2. I love fruits and vegetables!
3. I have some of the funniest, most loving, and clever siblings in the whole world.
4. My parents have loved and cherished me every day of my life, even on bad days, even on busy days. They've never forgotten to love me!
5. I've never gone a single day in my life without having my needs met. Every day I have food, clothes, a roof over my head, heat and running water. Every single day. And that is incredible!
6. I get to do what I love. Right now, I'm going to massage school, and it is fulfilling, stimulating, fascinating and fun.
7. I am healthy and well. My body works and functions beautifully!
8. My husband has provided a beautiful home for me where I can feel content, safe, and at peace.
9. I live in the most beautiful place on earth: Oregon!
10. I have the time and energy to try new things. I love experiments!
11. All the electronic appliances in my home work really well, which means it's easy and simple for me to cook food, wash my clothes, wash dishes. It's the best life!
12. I love my public library! I will never run out of new things to read and learn and think about. For free!
13. I really appreciate that my husband is as stubborn and strong-willed as I am. It helps make me a more humble, flexible, and gracious person.
14. I'm thankful for Goodwill. It feels amazing to be able to buy new clothes so I feel fresh and stylish and pretty without having to feel guilty at all about spending too much money.
15. I'm grateful to have a life that is, for the most part, structured and predictable. I know, this sounds boring, but it makes me feel secure.
16. My husband is so sexy! I still stare at him all the time because his gorgeousness catches my eye, and I just can't look away.
17. Cleanliness! To have the resources, tools, time, energy, and know-how to have a clean home, a clean body and clean clothes is priceless to me.
18. My husband doesn't think I'm nuts, even when I say things or do things that really are nuts.
19. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am thankful for professional sports. Watching and reading about sports makes my husband's eyes sparkle sometimes. And I'm just a sucker for sparkles in eyes.
20. Andrew, Malia, Travis, Amy, Ryan, and Emma are the most beautiful people on earth that I know. Even though they're not my own babies, I think they're perfect in every way. These sweet nieces and nephews will be my precious babies no matter how old they get.
21. I have a precious friend who has been there for me through thick and thin. It's not very often that a person gets to have a lifetime friend. Let's keep talking forever!
22. I love teachers! My dad has always been my favorite teacher, but I've had so many good ones. My childhood teachers helped draw me out of my shell and show me my potential. The teachers I've worked with taught me how to be a good teacher myself. And the teachers I have right now are sharing amazing things with me about massage and about life that are going to change who I am forever.
23. Sometimes (well, like almost every day) I turn on some good music and dance like a crazy person in my living room and kitchen and bedroom and bathroom... Thank you to all the musicians out there for writing music for me to dance to!
24. I am so grateful for the all the food I can get at the grocery store. Pretty much anything that I can think of to eat (vegetables!) is there, every day, all day long. If you think about it, that's really pretty awesome!
25. I love rain! I love listening to rain, watching rain, walking in the rain, dancing in the rain... It's one of those things that feeds my soul.
26. I'm grateful for unexpected changes in life. As much as I'd like to carefully plan everything and have it be just a certain way, the changes and curveballs almost always turn out better and are usually important in some way.
27. I am thankful for Chemeketa Community College. Here's a fun fact that you may not know. My entire life, my dad worked at Chemeketa. My husband now works at Chemeketa and hopes to continue working there for the rest of his career. So, Chemeketa has been my main source of income for all but about five years of my life and will probably continue to be for many more years.
28. I'm grateful that my mom taught me how to sew. I don't sew often or well, and I don't make big things or fancy things. But when I need to sew something or I want to sew something, I can.
29. There are a few authors and poets who have changed my life by putting their thoughts on paper and finding a way to share them. I am forever indebted to these people for taking the time and effort to write those words down so I could read them.
30. Chinese medicine is the bomb! Because of the work my acupuncturist has done with me, I am healthier and happier than I have ever been in my entire life. Literally! I hope that I can learn enough about Chinese medicine in the context of massage to be able to help other people find healing and wellness as well.
So, that's it, in a nutshell. I'm blessed and oh so grateful for the life I have! Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm thankful for things, too. But there might be some days in November when I feel snarky or flabbergasted, and then I may forget to tell everyone that I'm thankful. Or I might get sick. Or I might be busy with homework. Or I may take a whole day or two off from using the Internet (gasp!). And then you won't know what I'm thankful for that day.
We can't have you not knowing what I'm thankful for when it is November, so I'm just going to put it all down right here, right now. One thankfulness for every day of November, not necessarily in any particular order. No slacking off for me this year!
1. My husband is my favorite person in the whole world!
2. I love fruits and vegetables!
3. I have some of the funniest, most loving, and clever siblings in the whole world.
4. My parents have loved and cherished me every day of my life, even on bad days, even on busy days. They've never forgotten to love me!
5. I've never gone a single day in my life without having my needs met. Every day I have food, clothes, a roof over my head, heat and running water. Every single day. And that is incredible!
6. I get to do what I love. Right now, I'm going to massage school, and it is fulfilling, stimulating, fascinating and fun.
7. I am healthy and well. My body works and functions beautifully!
8. My husband has provided a beautiful home for me where I can feel content, safe, and at peace.
9. I live in the most beautiful place on earth: Oregon!
10. I have the time and energy to try new things. I love experiments!
11. All the electronic appliances in my home work really well, which means it's easy and simple for me to cook food, wash my clothes, wash dishes. It's the best life!
12. I love my public library! I will never run out of new things to read and learn and think about. For free!
13. I really appreciate that my husband is as stubborn and strong-willed as I am. It helps make me a more humble, flexible, and gracious person.
14. I'm thankful for Goodwill. It feels amazing to be able to buy new clothes so I feel fresh and stylish and pretty without having to feel guilty at all about spending too much money.
15. I'm grateful to have a life that is, for the most part, structured and predictable. I know, this sounds boring, but it makes me feel secure.
16. My husband is so sexy! I still stare at him all the time because his gorgeousness catches my eye, and I just can't look away.
17. Cleanliness! To have the resources, tools, time, energy, and know-how to have a clean home, a clean body and clean clothes is priceless to me.
18. My husband doesn't think I'm nuts, even when I say things or do things that really are nuts.
19. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am thankful for professional sports. Watching and reading about sports makes my husband's eyes sparkle sometimes. And I'm just a sucker for sparkles in eyes.
20. Andrew, Malia, Travis, Amy, Ryan, and Emma are the most beautiful people on earth that I know. Even though they're not my own babies, I think they're perfect in every way. These sweet nieces and nephews will be my precious babies no matter how old they get.
21. I have a precious friend who has been there for me through thick and thin. It's not very often that a person gets to have a lifetime friend. Let's keep talking forever!
22. I love teachers! My dad has always been my favorite teacher, but I've had so many good ones. My childhood teachers helped draw me out of my shell and show me my potential. The teachers I've worked with taught me how to be a good teacher myself. And the teachers I have right now are sharing amazing things with me about massage and about life that are going to change who I am forever.
23. Sometimes (well, like almost every day) I turn on some good music and dance like a crazy person in my living room and kitchen and bedroom and bathroom... Thank you to all the musicians out there for writing music for me to dance to!
24. I am so grateful for the all the food I can get at the grocery store. Pretty much anything that I can think of to eat (vegetables!) is there, every day, all day long. If you think about it, that's really pretty awesome!
25. I love rain! I love listening to rain, watching rain, walking in the rain, dancing in the rain... It's one of those things that feeds my soul.
26. I'm grateful for unexpected changes in life. As much as I'd like to carefully plan everything and have it be just a certain way, the changes and curveballs almost always turn out better and are usually important in some way.
27. I am thankful for Chemeketa Community College. Here's a fun fact that you may not know. My entire life, my dad worked at Chemeketa. My husband now works at Chemeketa and hopes to continue working there for the rest of his career. So, Chemeketa has been my main source of income for all but about five years of my life and will probably continue to be for many more years.
28. I'm grateful that my mom taught me how to sew. I don't sew often or well, and I don't make big things or fancy things. But when I need to sew something or I want to sew something, I can.
29. There are a few authors and poets who have changed my life by putting their thoughts on paper and finding a way to share them. I am forever indebted to these people for taking the time and effort to write those words down so I could read them.
30. Chinese medicine is the bomb! Because of the work my acupuncturist has done with me, I am healthier and happier than I have ever been in my entire life. Literally! I hope that I can learn enough about Chinese medicine in the context of massage to be able to help other people find healing and wellness as well.
So, that's it, in a nutshell. I'm blessed and oh so grateful for the life I have! Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
The other day, I told a lie.
The other day, I told a lie to a new acquaintance in a class at massage school. Kind of. It wasn't really a lie, but it kind of was. And I've been trying to decide why I answered her questions the way I did.
My classmate was feeling uncomfortable in class because of the spiritual aspects of Eastern massage that our teacher was sharing with us as part of our training. She told me she didn't like that part of the class because she is a Christian, and she asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. She asked me if I believed in Jesus. I said yes. She asked me if I went to church, and I said no.
But the real truth is that I'm not a Christian, at least not by the definition that most people use. But I'm also not a non-Christian. I'm not an athiest; I'm not an anti-Christian. Apparently I look like a Christian. That's what my classmate told me. She said, "I thought so. You look like a Christian."
What does a Christian look like? If I was a full-on atheist, would I look different? Because I grew up as a Christian, will I always look like a Christian no matter what I actually believe?
When she asked me if I believed in Jesus, I said yes because I do. Except that I know that when she asked that simple question, she was really asking, "Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God who died on the cross to save us from our sins so we can live eternally in Heaven after we die?" And my honest answer would have been no. I believe in the things that Jesus taught... but I don't believe he taught that.
So I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the truth either. And I've been thinking a lot about that because telling the truth is really important to me. Why didn't I just tell her the truth?
It would have taken too long. She wasn't looking for a long in-depth conversation about theology or spirituality. She simply wanted to see if I was her ally, if I was on her side and would sympathize with her discomfort. If I had given her a short answer that was the opposite, that would have been untrue as well.
I can't really give short answers that are all the way true because I'm in this weird middle place that is very grey. But I've noticed that when people want to talk about God, religion, spirituality, theology they really like to keep things black and white. Neat and tidy. Clean and clear-cut. People who aren't living a black and white spirituality are wishy-washy. And I've heard that wishy-washy Christians are some of the worst kinds.
The truth is, I'm scared of Christians. Not all of them, just the conservative, evangelical variety. I'm scared of telling them I'm not a Christian or telling them I don't believe in Jesus as my personal Savior or saying something crazy about how there isn't any such thing as heaven and hell. I'll tell almost anyone I know what I think about these things, but put me face-to-face with a person who's a good conservative Christian, and I clam up right away, apparently. You see, I used to be one of them, so I know how they're supposed to react to people like me. I know that if they really are living for Jesus, as soon as they find out I'm not saved, they'll get right on that. They'll figure out how to start evangelizing me, they may ask me to church, or, if they're shy, they may just look at me with pity in their eyes because I'm going to burn in hell. And then they'll make a mental note to pray for me.
And I don't want to be treated like that. I don't want to be treated like a non-Christian by other Christians, so it's hard for me to tell them the real truth. Even when I was a tried-and-true Christian, I found other Christians who still couldn't resist evangelizing me if they found even the smallest detail of my personal theology to be amiss.
I'm scared of being treated like a non-Christian instead of being treated like a person. I'm scared of being treated like a sinner or someone who is lost and needs direction or someone who is making poor life decisions. I'm scared of being diminished and reduced and cut down to nothing but a label. I just want people to treat me like a person. I want people to appreciate my mind and my soul and my heart regardless of whether I have the right answers to their questions. I want to be honest about who I am and have that be okay.
I'm scared that if I give an honest answer that someone doesn't like, that person will stop listening to anything else I have to say. So sometimes I tell little lies. Maybe someday I will have more courage.
My classmate was feeling uncomfortable in class because of the spiritual aspects of Eastern massage that our teacher was sharing with us as part of our training. She told me she didn't like that part of the class because she is a Christian, and she asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. She asked me if I believed in Jesus. I said yes. She asked me if I went to church, and I said no.
But the real truth is that I'm not a Christian, at least not by the definition that most people use. But I'm also not a non-Christian. I'm not an athiest; I'm not an anti-Christian. Apparently I look like a Christian. That's what my classmate told me. She said, "I thought so. You look like a Christian."
What does a Christian look like? If I was a full-on atheist, would I look different? Because I grew up as a Christian, will I always look like a Christian no matter what I actually believe?
When she asked me if I believed in Jesus, I said yes because I do. Except that I know that when she asked that simple question, she was really asking, "Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God who died on the cross to save us from our sins so we can live eternally in Heaven after we die?" And my honest answer would have been no. I believe in the things that Jesus taught... but I don't believe he taught that.
So I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the truth either. And I've been thinking a lot about that because telling the truth is really important to me. Why didn't I just tell her the truth?
It would have taken too long. She wasn't looking for a long in-depth conversation about theology or spirituality. She simply wanted to see if I was her ally, if I was on her side and would sympathize with her discomfort. If I had given her a short answer that was the opposite, that would have been untrue as well.
I can't really give short answers that are all the way true because I'm in this weird middle place that is very grey. But I've noticed that when people want to talk about God, religion, spirituality, theology they really like to keep things black and white. Neat and tidy. Clean and clear-cut. People who aren't living a black and white spirituality are wishy-washy. And I've heard that wishy-washy Christians are some of the worst kinds.
The truth is, I'm scared of Christians. Not all of them, just the conservative, evangelical variety. I'm scared of telling them I'm not a Christian or telling them I don't believe in Jesus as my personal Savior or saying something crazy about how there isn't any such thing as heaven and hell. I'll tell almost anyone I know what I think about these things, but put me face-to-face with a person who's a good conservative Christian, and I clam up right away, apparently. You see, I used to be one of them, so I know how they're supposed to react to people like me. I know that if they really are living for Jesus, as soon as they find out I'm not saved, they'll get right on that. They'll figure out how to start evangelizing me, they may ask me to church, or, if they're shy, they may just look at me with pity in their eyes because I'm going to burn in hell. And then they'll make a mental note to pray for me.
And I don't want to be treated like that. I don't want to be treated like a non-Christian by other Christians, so it's hard for me to tell them the real truth. Even when I was a tried-and-true Christian, I found other Christians who still couldn't resist evangelizing me if they found even the smallest detail of my personal theology to be amiss.
I'm scared of being treated like a non-Christian instead of being treated like a person. I'm scared of being treated like a sinner or someone who is lost and needs direction or someone who is making poor life decisions. I'm scared of being diminished and reduced and cut down to nothing but a label. I just want people to treat me like a person. I want people to appreciate my mind and my soul and my heart regardless of whether I have the right answers to their questions. I want to be honest about who I am and have that be okay.
I'm scared that if I give an honest answer that someone doesn't like, that person will stop listening to anything else I have to say. So sometimes I tell little lies. Maybe someday I will have more courage.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
I Might Just Fly Away
Arms stretched out all the way
Catch as much air as I can hold
Grasping at the wind
A steady, salty, sandy sea wind
Nearly strong enough to hold me up
If I fall back into it
Just misty enough that I can’t tell
I’m wet nearly through
Until I turn around
And feel the wind from the other side
Arms stretched out all the way
Hair whipping around in a frenzy
Eyes closed tight to feel it more closely
To feel that I might just fly away
If I took just a few steps running
If I leaped just a bit
With arms stretched out all the way
In this strong salty sea wet wind
It might pick me up and carry me away
Away over the rocks and the waves
And up over the morning fog
I might just fly away
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)