Within These Walls

Within these walls

I can't hear anything

I can't see anything

I can't touch anything

I can't feel anything

Within these walls

I can't find the rhythm

That my body yearns for

It hungers and thirsts

To move through the cycles

Of the moon each month

To rise and fall with the sun

Each day and night

To find it's pulse

In the slow and constant churning

Of the earth beneath my feet

Without being able to feel and touch and see and hear

The universe that guides me

I am lost

If I live each day of my life

Within a set of walls

Physical wooden beams and sheetrock

The mental boundaries of my mind

My emotional protections from heartbreak

If I use all these walls

To hold life at arm's length

Am I even really alive

Can I learn how to live

Outside these walls

So I can finally hear and touch and feel

All that the universe holds for me

All that I'm meant to experience

So I can eventually be

Who I'm meant to be

We used to have a pet spider...

Craig and I used to have a pet spider. Actually, I should say that Craig had a pet spider. He's scared of spiders usually, and they're not allowed to live in the apartment, but this little guy lived in the corner of our doorway on our front porch. Apparently, that's okay with Craig even though it's practically the same thing as being inside. I usually name our pet bugs, but Craig took a shining to this particular eight-legged friend and gave him the name Moses.

Craig's pet Moses was a brown spider, not too big, not too small, and was definitely a homebody. He was there in his little corner day and night, to say goodbye to in the morning when we left for work and say hello to when we got home in the evening. It was such a joy to hear Craig greet his sweet Moses each day.

One day, we learned two important facts about our spider friend. Number one was that Moses was a girl. Number two was that Moses was going to be a mother. The sudden sight of Moses now guarding a delicate sack of eggs brought some concern to both Craig and I. I love babies as much as anyone, but if you've ever seen Charlotte's Web, you know that the spider babies that come out of an egg sack are quite numerous. And I will remind you that Moses' home was in the corner of our front door. I think we both were able to clearly envision a million spider babies coming out of their eggs and seeping through the cracks around our door to invade our home.

But what do we do? Moses is our pet; we let her live there for weeks, and it didn't feel right to evict her just because she had laid some eggs. Everyone has the right to have children. We discussed trying to gently remove the egg sack and place it somewhere farther away from our apartment, but we knew that Moses' sole purpose in life now was to guard this egg sack she had created. How would we be able to move the egg sack without endangering Moses' life? Could we move the egg sack without killing all those precious little spider babies?

Several days passed, and we looked up at our little spider family-to-be every time we walked through the door wondering what we would do. We knew the spider eggs had to go, but neither one of us wanted to do it. You could see the babies inside growing bigger under the watchful eyes of their mother. You could see Moses' posture grow more protective and cautious each day as her children came closer to hatching.

I decided to try to move the egg sack. I wasn't scared of being attacked by a protective mother spider. It was worth trying to save the babies. I took a piece of paper and tried to slide it up under the egg sack, expecting it to be soft, squishy, maybe a little bit sticky. Instead, I found that the egg sack was completely encased in a clear, hard shell and very firmly attached to the wall. There was no way I was going to be able to detach the egg sack and move it elsewhere.

Finally, this morning, I came home from the grocery store to find the doorway completely cleaned of webbing, and Moses and her eggs gone. I was relieved that it was done and that I didn't have to do it, but, at the same time, I think I miss Moses. 

I'm sorry Craig killed your babies, Moses. I know you worked hard to produce them, lay them and protect them. Your life came to nothing because you chose the wrong place to lay your egg sack.

How sad.

Breathing

Instead of washing the dishes

Instead of making the bed

Instead of doing my daily dose

Of doctor prescribed exercise

Instead of putting on makeup

Or doing my hair

I'm laying on the floor

Breathing

In and out both

Because lately I haven't remembered well

How to breathe

All the way through and in and out both

God, it feels good to breathe today

Plans and goals and dreams...

Making plans for the future doesn't seem to do me much good. I can dream and hope, search and strategize, lay out a step-by-step plan, but in the end, more often than not, I still end up someplace completely unexpected.

Is it like this for everyone? Don't some people make goals and then achieve them? Don't some people plot out a course for their life and then follow it?

I just don't even know how to feel about it. Sometimes I find myself grieving for the things in life I thought I should have and feel like I've lost, for all the things I sought out and never found. I grieve and ask myself why, wishing it could be different, not because what I do have is wrong, but because I thought everything was going to be different.

And then other times, I delight in the fact that I seemingly have no control over the course of my own life. I rejoice in following this path because I believe I can trust in it, because I have the sense that this path leads me to wherever it is I'm really supposed to be.

And over and over again, my prayer is simply for patience. I can't bring myself to pray that what I want is what I will get because I know I'm not wise enough to want what I need. But I pray that I can faithfully follow the path that has been laid out before my feet, with patience.

So I'm here in this place, and it's not a bad place, but I feel stuck or stagnant, at a stand-still. And I just want to find some way to move forward, not in a few years, but right now. So I stop again and pray for another dose of patience because no matter how much I plan and scheme to try to make something happen, I still can't control the path.

Music

Hear the music
That creates beautiful thoughts
In your mind
That paints glorious pictures
That flow through your heart
And lift you skyward

And make this music
The soundtrack of your life
Hear the melody of creation
Feel the rhythm of the world
Dancing around you
And be in it
And be of it
Hear the music

Pushing Through

I see you, black crow,
Morsel clutched in your beak,
With all your might and strength
Pushing forward
Through each gust,
Through each breaking wave of wind.

And above, black crow, do you see
That strand of birds
Flowing across the sky,
Fighting to hold their shape,
But over and over again
Shoved out of place by the storm;
Weaving out and back in again,
In and out, out and in,
So fully determined.

Black crow,
Did you feel the brief moment
When this same insistent wind
Turned this mild warm day
Into a shocking downpour of freezing rain;
See these icy drops,
Needle sharp and numbing,
Piercing my face, my chest, my hands,
Pressing me, pushing me,
Attempting to pound me
Into the concrete beneath my feet?

Black crow, can you see
My delighted grin
As I push right back,
Press on, move forward,
Bring my hand to my chest
From time to time,
Just to feel that it's still there?

Pushing through this storm,
Can you feel yourself,
Black crow, growing stronger;
Can you sense the steadfastness
And solidarity of the string
Of birds above;
Can you see in my face
That my heart's fire burns hotter
And grows brighter with each step forward?

This is the living,
The feeling, the becoming
Something more, something stronger;
It's the pushing through
And the pressing forward,
It's standing against the sweeping storms
And enduring the gut-wrenching
Turns in the weather,
And pulling ourselves back up
When everything around us
Seems to pound us down.

This is the living.

God, give me patience

God, give me patience. Sometimes I can't see down the road at all; all I can see is where I'm at right this moment, and I find myself despairing that I will never be where my heart desires. I know that's not realistic, but sometimes a matter of years feels more like a matter of decades. Sometimes all I can see is right where I'm standing right now, and I feel glued to this spot like I can never get away.

God, give me a stronger faith that my life is moving in the direction it is supposed to be. My life is not stagnant, is not stuck in one place. Rather, I am constantly on a journey, on a path which was designed and laid out for me if I have the wisdom to follow it faithfully.

God, give me a greater determination to make the best of every place and situation I find myself in. I know that I can make a beautiful and blessed life out of whatever I am given. I can't always choose my path, but I can choose what to do with it. I can choose my attitude. I can choose my willingness to adjust and adapt. I can choose my joy or my discontent.

What's eating up all of your time?

I've decided to give it up, cold turkey. I'm ready for a change. I don't like the old way of doing things; it doesn't suit me. It doesn't make my life work the way I would really like it to. And if I don't like how something is going, then the most logical thing to do is make a change.

I've always thought of myself as someone who does more productive things with my time than just sit around and watch TV. So many people just sit around and watch TV, and I wonder how they ever have time to do anything else. And then you have a conversation with them, and the only thing going on in their life that they have to talk about is what happened last night on their favorite TV show. How boring; how sad.

But then I realize that for someone who doesn't even have TV (no cable television in this house), I watch a lot of TV. I am a Hulu addict. I am just as tied down to the weekly TV schedule as any other TV addict. I have my certain shows that I watch every week. But I like to pretend that I'm not as attached to them, because I don't watch them the night they air; I can watch them anytime I want. And sometimes I even watch them several days or even a week after they aired on TV. But the real point is that I still watch them.

I catch myself thinking, how fast can I get done making dinner so I have enough time to watch Dancing with the Stars tonight. Or, can these dishes wait until tomorrow, so I can watch a couple of shows right now? I push other things out of the way that I want to get done, that are important to me, so that I can fit some TV shows into my life. And they take up so much time.

And I guess I just didn't realize how much time they took up until I stopped watching them for a week. But now, I feel so different. I feel more relaxed. I feel calm. I don't feel hurried or rushed because I have all the time in the world. I mean, I don't have kids or much of a social life really, so compared to a lot of people, I have lots of time. And I was wasting at least 30 minutes of it a day on TV shows. I could have been using that time to write or read. I could have been outside walking. I could have spent that time cleaning something or organizing a closet or cupboard. I could have been using that time to make a grocery list or cook some food. Heck, I could have used some of that time to simply take a nap and be that much more rested.

I am not saying that I will never watch a TV show again. I like TV shows. I just don't want it to be the primary use of my free time. I just don't want to be tied down to the days and weeks that one of my TV shows has a new episode. So that's it; I'm quitting my Hulu habit, cold turkey, and it feels good.

A Wise Man Writes...

•  An excerpt from the magazine UTNE Reader, which took it's article as an excerpt from the Friends Journal.

"Based on my life experience, studies, intellect, and conscience, I am led undeniably to the conviction that patriotism is immoral: It is selfish and irrational, hinders our judgment, divides the world, contributes to militarization, causes war, and contradicts the teachings of Jesus.

Patriotism is an attitude of favoritism toward "my country" and "my people." If egotism or pridefulness toward oneself is a vice, then patriotism or pridefulness toward one's particular country is likewise deplorable. 

Patriotism clouds our judgement; it hinders objectivity and detracts from our ability to assess political situations rationally. Patriotism biases us toward our country's perspective, encumbering our desire and ability to consider outside perspectives. Patriotism breeds conformity and closed-mindedness. Furthermore, it makes us overly trusting of those in power over us, and susceptible to abuses of that power....

In kindergarten, I learned a mysterious morning chanting ritual in which one robotically pledges one's life to a flag and to one nation under God, "invisible" (as my child's mind heard it) with liberty and justice for all. Now I understand what I was saying. And I understand that people, and certainly Christians, should not pledge at all, certainly not to a material object (an idol), certainly not to one particular nation among many, and certainly not to something under God. I also know now that no kingdom save an invisible one could truly have liberty and justice for all....

Many of us are taught in school that "America is the greatest country in the world," while the darker aspects of our history are largely ignored or glossed over....

Patriotism is contrary to the teachings of Christ. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus declared, "You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies."

                                                                            ~ Tony White

Finding Joy Today

I'm finding joy today in the little things

That delight and sustain me

The quiet excitement of finding a book on the library shelf

By one of my favorite authors

That I haven't read before

Or at least don't remember reading

It's all the same to me

The subtle exhilaration of a steady breeze

That's cool but not too chilly

Fresh and focused on blowing away the winter storms

And welcoming the shining spring sun

A glimpse above the buildings of solid black hills

Against a backdrop of light gray skies spotted

With feathery white clouds

And sporadic bursts of clear blue sky

All reminders that I live in one of the most beautiful places

And I have a beautiful life

Alive

Tree limbs stretching out

Bare to the bone

And charcoal black against a slate grey sky

Fractal fingers like blood veins grasp

At wisps of air and cloud

Inhale the atmospheric life-blood

Draw it out of the open and pull it in

Pull the life in

To the center

To the core

To the heartbeat

Under the soles of our feet

Thumping, pounding, beating

In perfect rhythm with my heart beating

In synchronicity with all life fleeting

And meeting each other in those still places

In those small moments

Where I notice

And I am here

And I remember that I am not the only one alive

I Want That One

Because I look at you every day

And still think the same thought over and over again

The same thought that crossed my mind

The very first time I ever laid eyes on you

I want that one

Because I never run out of things to tell you

Because I want you to know everything

I want you to be intricately, intimately, inseparably

Entwined in every important moment that I experience

Because you inspire me to dream

Of becoming an old woman, wrinkled, gray, stooped

Who wakes up every morning to find you beside me

For almost forever, or as long as we can both manage to keep breathing

Because no matter what kind of argument we’ve had

I’m just waiting for it to end

So I can wrap myself up in your arms again

Where I belong

Because I’m always waiting for you

Hoping to catch as many glimpses of you as I can

Hoping to catch your eye as many times as I can

Hoping to steal as many kisses from you as I can

Hoping I can do whatever it takes to capture your heart

Over and over again, as often as I can

Because you know who I am

And I know who you are

And I still want you

And you still want me

And that makes everything worthwhile

Five Years

On February 3rd, I will have been married for five years to Craig Matthew Saunders, who is my very favorite person in the world. Every year, I love him more!

Because we were going to be busy around our actual anniversary, we celebrated it this weekend. Craig said he wanted to plan something for us, so all I knew was that we were going to leave our apartment on Saturday morning at nine o'clock. He drove me to Portland to take me to OMSI! I love OMSI!!

At OMSI, we watched a planetarium show about black holes. I love black holes! 

Then we walked through their current main exhibit, Body Worlds and the Brain. It was super awesome! The artist who created the pieces we saw uses a technique called plastination, which is using a real body or body parts and replacing all the bodily fluids with plastic. So he has all these bodies in different poses with different parts pulled away or cut into interesting shapes so you can see all the muscles and organs and bones and nerves from all different angles. He posed some of the bodies in different kinds of sports moves, so he had a ballerina, a soccer player, a yoga woman, two ice skaters, a baseball player, etc. So you could really see how each of those actions uses the muscles. And then he had other pieces that were much more artistic, like sliced up in strange ways or with different pieces sticking out so you could see the insides. The coolest one, though, had to be the giraffe. It was huge!!!! If you are interested in looking at muscles and bones and brains, you should totally check out this exhibit!

After we walked through all the dead bodies, we watched an IMAX show about flying dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs! And it was presented by our favorite nature show guy, David Attenborough. Craig and I both love David Atteborough! He does the best nature shows.

So OMSI was awesome! I'm so glad my wonderful husband thought of that for our anniversary. It was special and memorable, and we had a wonderful time spending the whole day together!

First Snow of Winter

The first snow of Winter
Watch it coming down
Full, heavy flakes pouring down
To blanket everything
In a layer of soggy slush
But let's just pretend that the flakes are fine and fluffy
And that they float to the ground
To coat everything in a perfect powder
Let's just pretend that you can pick it up
Throw a snowball, roll a snowman body
Lay on the ground to make snow angels
Let's just pretend that the first snow of Winter
Is real snow instead of just
Really cold Oregon rain

Isn't it magical?

It's As Simple As That

Today, I am concerned about an ache in my neck that I've had for a month.

I paid someone to massage my neck and back.

I will pay someone else to align my spine.

I will pay people to fix me until I am well.

It's as simple as that.

Today I am concerned about how healthy my meat is.

If I buy the regular meat in the grocery store,

I may be supporting the inhumane treatment of livestock,

I may be eating meat that is filled with hormones and antibiotics.

If I am willing to spend a few dollars more per pound,

I can eat a happy cow, a clean cow, a vegetarian cow.

It's as simple as that.

Today I am concerned about my health,

Whether I'm eating enough fruits and vegetables.

And I'm debating whether I've been drinking enough water.

Because if I eat more fruits and veggies and drink more water,

I'll have more efficient digestion, and I'll feel better,

And more importantly I might lose weight.

The question is not whether I can afford to eat healthier or drink more water.

The question is merely one of self-control;

Can I physically restrain myself from eating too much food 

That has too much fat and too much sugar?

It's as simple as that.

My life is as simple as that,

Unless of course, I find myself living a different life.

If I am brown or black, native to a colonized country,

Situated south of the equator,

Everything is different.

If I am one of the billions of people surviving--

Or not surviving--

On just a few dollars a day,

Everything changes.

When I wake up in the morning, that pain in my neck is nothing,

Not compared to pain in my belly when I didn't eat a single meal yesterday,

Not compared to the pain in the soles of my feet from walking all day with no shoes,

Not compared to the constant and crippling pain in my back

From bending over in the hot sun, 

Harvesting a rich, white man's crops all day.

That dull ache in my neck is nothing.

When I go to the market to buy food for my family,

I pay no thought to how the meat was raised or what it was fed;

I don't even go near the meat stalls; they would laugh in my face.

They see me and know I don't even have the money to pay for the rice I bought today;

I bought it on credit.

I was lucky the man selling rice would give me any at all.

So tonight, my children will eat only rice,

But at least today they get something;

Another day it will surely be nothing.

When I look at the children sitting at my feet,

I wonder what their lives will be like,

Whether they will have any life at all.

Which of them will I outlive?

Because when one of my children is sick,

There is nothing I can do.

There is nowhere I can go.

There is nobody who will help.

There is a hospital, but I can only take them if I can pay,

And the only way I can pay is if none of us eat.

What kind of choice is that?

So I leave the fate of myself and my children to the gods

Who so far have decided that our fate

Is to have nothing,

Is to be nothing.

It's as simple as that.

I Am Everywhere In That Moment

If I lay on the floor

And become quieter than I usually am

Can I be somewhere else

Can I become something else

Transforming, evolving, transcending

Because then the particles that compose the molecules

That make a body that I inhabit

Can hear a little better

And I can feel them listening

For their other half

That sings to them, that beckons

The other half that got separated at birth

So many eons ago

And now dwells in another universe an infinity away

And the two twin parts, every set of them

Speaking to each other across the multiverse

Means that I am everywhere in that moment

If I can be more still than my normal state of being

If I can be better at being

Maybe I’ll also hear them sing

I Have Come For You

I extend my blessing upon those who are sick and hurting and broken

When you don’t have the strength to stand on your own

Reach out for my hand

My strength is yours

I have come for you

I extend my blessing upon those who are cold and hungry and impoverished

When you don’t have the courage to face another day on your own

Reach out for my hand

My courage is yours

I have come for you

I extend my blessing upon those who are constantly burdened with worry

When you can’t find the space or time for a moment of peace

Reach out for my hand

My peace is yours

I have come for you

I extend my blessing upon those who weep for all that’s been lost in their lives

When the tears won’t stop and the despair seems never ending

Reach out for my hand

My joy is yours

I have come for you

When all that surrounds you is darkness

My light is yours

When all that you feel is hatred

My love is yours

When all that you know is doubt

My hope is yours

Everything that I have to give is yours

I have come for you

Going soft in my old age...

One great benefit to working full time is that I'm getting sloppier. I used to be the kind of wife who was always reminding my husband that he should pick up after himself and not leave so much junk just laying around the house. And my husband's really not that big of a slob; he was just messy compared to me. I would try to tell him that even if it didn't really matter to him whether the house was tidy or clean or organized, it did matter to me, which should make it more important to him. But somehow the message just never got through all the way. He would pick up and clean up and organize on random days, when he had time, when there wasn't something more important on his mind, but he just wasn't as on top of it as I was. And some days that just irked me.

However, while I was reminding my husband that he should be more consistent in picking up after himself, I was only working five or six hours a day and commuting ten minutes or less, while he was working eight or nine hours a day and commuting a half hour or more.

Now that Craig is going to school and only working part time, he gets home earlier than I do. I'm the one working eight hours now, and he's home almost every evening before I am. He still doesn't really want to tidy up the house every day and make sure everything's in it's place because that's just not at the top of his priority list. But the big positive is... it's not at the top of my list either.

I'm not saying that I'm a slob now, just because I'm working longer hours, but it is definitely forcing me to mellow out a little. Right now, there are dirty towels all over the place in the bathroom, and the clean towels are all in piles in the office, waiting to be put away. We only make our bed on weekends or when we've just washed the sheets. The dishes don't get washed every day; sometimes we skip a day. And some weekends, we don't really do any housework because the dust and grime in our home will still be waiting for us the next weekend when we have a little more time and energy.

This state of affairs would never have been acceptable to me in the past; it would have really made me feel stressed. But now I just don't care as much about that stuff. Is it important? Sure. I want to take care of my home and live in clean and comfortable environment. But does it have to be perfect all the time? Hell no. This realization is such a relief to me. And hopefully my mellowing out a little is a relief to my husband as well.